Subsistance Farming.

I was listening to NPR and they were doing a report on the economy of some third world country, how there were rich foreigners there, and a few rich people but most lived below the poverty level and were subsidence farmers.

And I thought to myself, being a subsistence farmer doesn't seem that bad. If you cant make it or grow it then its you don't have to worry about it. Sounds almost Amish. I wouldn't be doing it for religious reasons, worrying that I might get corrupted by the world. But rather for the simplicity it offers. I wouldn't worry about a job, I would be directly providing for my family instead of indirectly providing money to buy our needs. I wouldn't be worrying about a car or a new computer. But I also wouldn't be writing this blog or have access to modern medicine, nor a supply of food if there was some sort of weird accident. But I think that I would exercise my faith more. Cause I don't usually worry about what I will eat or what I will wear. I worry about dumb things that don't matter much. I almost wish that was all I had worry about.

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds." - Matthew 6:25-26

Man Camp

So following in the footsteps of the last few posts and the hope that the thought of a the week doesnt become a reality ("Awarness without change is worse than ignorance") I have been dealing with these issues of brokeness in my life.

In the last blog I addressed some issues with competance that I am working through. Most of them come from past experiences and while I still need to deal with my own hurts and injuries, this weekend these issues bubbled to the surface.

I went to man camp this weekend. Okay every body who didnt ride up in our car called it Men's Retreat, but by the end of the weekend we got a few others to call it that too. But unbeknownst to me, my step-dad also came up for the weekend. Okay well, Im 26 almost 27, I havent lived at home in 6 years, Im married and really, I have almost nothing of a relationship with him other than saying hi and seeing him at family events.

I came up with some younger guys and saw some guys there from other churches that I'm friends with so I didn't see him much. But then came along some "church" time where we got together as churches to talk about what we were learning/ dealing with over the weekend. He made some comments that were pretty mean, which I tried to ignore, but they really hurt. And I though, wow okay, maybe im just oversensitive right now, but 5 of the other six people took me aside in some way or another and asked if I was okay.

I think the one that was really eye opening for me was when one older guy came up and said, I couldn't figure out why he was being so mean to you till I realized you were his step son. He knew we were related but had forgotten because, as he said, he "couldn't even see any sort of relationship between us" and how if he had been up at camp with his son he would have been buddy-buddy running around and at least trying to do stuff together. So needless to say I was saddend. But it wasn't untill Buzzy got up and started reading "On God's Fridge" did I start crying.

God as the Dad I never had who hung up every thing I did on the fridge as a feeling of Joy and Pride over who I am and the life that I was living.

My hopes, my dreams, my heart, my passions, everything that wraps up who I am, held to the fridge with little colored magnets, excited about everything Im doing, and have yet still to do, celebrated at his kid, in all the glory of my twenty six years.

A Glimpse of Jesus

My wife and I recently started going to this 8-week marriage study at our church. Don't worry, our marraige isn't on the rocks or anything, we just would like to learn some good tools to keep us from ever getting to that point.

Anyways, I've been thinking about something that our pastor drew on a white board which I will try to recreate here.



He said from your same sex parent you get your sense of competency, from you opposite sex parent you get a sense of worth and from both of them you get your sense of belonging. We all probably have wounds in at least one of those areas if not all three. But in my particular case, I grew up with a mostly absent father, which means that to some extent I was missing out on a healthy helping of a sense of competency.

Now realize I’m not blaming my father or any thing for issues that I have. Rather I’m just opening a window on my though processes through the last couple of weeks as I've sought to root out some unhealth and to find healing for old wounds that I didn't realize were there.

My particular thought on that Tuesday night was, okay so dad wasn't around, I didn’t get this supposed dose of competency that I was supposed to get as a kid, but what are the normal compensation factors for that lack in a persons life and more specifically, in my own life.

I’m not sure what the normal ones are, but in my case, it’s a drive to be competent. At anything. It’s made me smart, cause I studied hard and read a lot of books. It made me good at a lot of weird things because I was always striving

But behind all of those outer doings, there has been an inner struggle over shame. I feel ashamed when something doesn’t work out or I can’t figure something out. There’s a feeling that if I just did “it” a little better some one might take notice of me and say something about it. Not that “it” was ever a fixed thing; just simply what ever I had happened to put my hands to that day. School was a perfect place for that. I excelled, I stood out, I got words of affirmation, and how God was going to do great things through me.

I realize that even though I'm seeing it more clearly, it has been about a two year process to get to this point, and the details aren’t important for this discussion but I ended up being in a place where as long as I was keeping up with and exceeding what I had previously done, I was praised, especially in ministry. And I found a lot of acceptance of my competence. As long as I kept up.

I think that’s maybe what hurts the most. When I stopped rushing headlong into the fray, almost every one else passed me by, gone on to take care of other things. Some of these relationships have been restored; others are coming around, and others still I have little hope for but in God’s power.

And its not like I’ve been healed from these feelings of shame. They are still there, I recognize them, some times they get me down, and I don’t always know what to do about them. I was supposed to be somebody, right? Did I, like the wayward son, squander away my inheritance? Did I miss some opportunity or do something wrong? And when I'm faced with not even being able to provide real well for my family, these feelings intensify.

In the last couple of months I have faced more rejection than I really care to think about with the job situation. Most people might get sad that they didn’t get a job or what ever. To me it feels like a personal rejection of who I am. I’ve always gotten jobs I’ve wanted. They fall in my lap. People desire me or at least my skill set to be apart of things they are doing. Maybe this is why I'm going through this, because its time to move on from this place.

I wrote last time about brokenness, God only moving when people were broken, and my wife asked me if I was broken yet, I had no answer because I wasn’t sure what I needed to be broken from.

It’s prideful self-confidence that masks itself through nonchalantness.
It leads to self-reliance and impatience to wait on the lord.
It leads to planning and scheming and trying to guess how to be ready for whatever life throws my way.

The key to brokenness as I see it is the careful application of truth to my life through the Word of God, implanted by the Spirit so that I might actually accept the Father’s love and acceptance without the feeling I must earn His respect, before He calls me son.


A Glimse of Jesus is a book I have started reading. He calls Jesus "the stranger to self-hatred" and calls us to be the same, to acknowledge our weaknesses and yet still walk in the truth of our position as sons of God.

Anniversaries

Today is my one-year anniversary of dating my wife. Its also her birthday which apparently in the eyes of some other guys I know, was a smart move since I only need to remember one date instead of two. I don’t see that as a bonus yet, but maybe when Im old and senile it will be nice.

I always thought that there would be things that I could learn being married that I couldn’t as a single man. And you know what? I probably was right. I was driving in the car with my wife to church on Sunday (yawn…It was way to early to be up, but we had to be their for choir) She looks over and sleepily says “You’re a good husband.” See, we had just had a big night out for her birthday, I had gotten up and made breakfast, brewed her some tea for church and ironed her outfit for church. But just two nights before we’d gotten into it over what now seems stupid but at the time seemed like a big deal. Had she simply just forgotten all that? I think I would rather say “I’m learning to be a good husband”

I never had thought of myself as selfish, nor has anyone ever called me that, not even my wife in the most heated of arguments. (Yes in two months we’ve had heated arguments. Hey give us a break we’re still learning how to communicate with each other) But the reality is, that I have seen more selfishness that I didn’t even know was there. My this, my way to do that, my needs, my time, my house. Ultimately its my space: the nitch that I had carved out in my life that I thought of as mine. It is no longer mine, its ours. Our life our future. God help me to rid myself of selfishish ambition and run the race well.