Risk (an answer to a question)

"How often would you say you do something uncomfortable, scary or just against your general wants and needs because it is what God is asking you to do?" -Dave Snow aka Grace is the Thing

hmm

I wonder sometimes if im the only one that answers back to you on these things but anyway the word that comes to mind when you ask this is "Risk"
No not the board game, though i happen to like it (and by the way, future risk night soon?) But i once wrote a blog, when we first started doing the well that was just at the front of me starting to explore what God was doing in our group and in my own life. It was short and simple and to the point it said

Ive realized that I've never taken a risk in my life

Because everything has seemed to be a natural conclusion. Looking from the outside, my life might look a little risky. Giving up a schollarship to a prestigious school to settle in and do ministry, going to school for a degree in Christian studies, when the church I work at wont even hire me. Trusting God that He wants me in ministry, even though theres so much on my plate with work and stuff (read girl-friend).

Going into student venture wasnt a risk. It was just an extention of what i was already doing. Even starting the well didnt feel like a risk, just a conclusion of what God had already been teaching us about community and dicipleship and health. Even asking Sarah out had few risks, I knew she already wanted to, and so did I, just the next step in our relationship. 

The only risk I can think of
Is putting who I really am out on the line for people to see. 

Cause see the really risky thing that we can do is to make ourselves vulnerable before other people and ultimatly before God. Because I, like a lot of other people have an exterior persona that I present to the world and a private one which few, if any get to see. Few of us are lucky enough to have friends that are willing to support us in such a way that we might feel its okay to let just a bit of that inner person out, to "test the waters" and the more we let out, and the more we are accepted because of who we really are, the more our exterior persona becomes like our inner person. As this starts to happen we become less and less worried about what people who see this inner man might think because we have this group of support to fall back on where we know that we are Okay and accepted for who we are.

Ahh the risk in being true to ourselves. In front of other people. 

Mine started in my writing. I wasnt writing for anyone else, just me, and for my own thoughts and my own freedom. And then I started putting stuff online and the responses I got were largely along the lines of "Did you really write this? Is this what's going on in your head? Where is this Adam the rest of the time" Hes scared of getting shot down and hurt, thats where he was. 

But you cant run a ministry, or have real friends, or a girlfriend or even just live well if you are always putting on this mask, this out-in-front persona. Cause it will eventually kill you. It will. You will wake up one day in a cubical wondering what happened to your life and why it feels like it has passed you by and why you never lived any of your dreams. This will be a big part of it. Because you went along with everybody elses expectation of yourself, with you desperatly trying to conform to thier image of your persona. 

I guess it was not as much of a risk as i thought. Be real or die. The risk of being real was nothing compaired to losing who I am, and who God created me to be. 

And heres the deal: even if you find no-one inthis life who supports you as you really are, which I find hard to belive, but just supposing there was not one person who got you and was joyful with you being you, then remember that you were not a random conglomeration of ammino acids form in your mothers womb, but rather that you were crafted by the hands of the maker, crafted with desires and hopes and personallity that He abosulutely loves and wants for you enjoy as well. 

A big thank you to those who take me as I am
And encourage the things that God has placed in me.

Monday (for Dave)

Its monday morning and I feel electrisity in the air.
No not the static kind that messes up girls hair.
Nor the scary lightning-storm kind.

Just an energy and an excitement I havent felt in awhile.
I feel full and complete and more like the self of me that I actually like.

Not that life is peachy. I mean, my direct deposit didnt go through on friday so when I thought I had money I really didnt, my bunion on my foot is swollen so it kinda hurts to walk around and Im sorta hobbleing through my day, and I had spent most of the last four days being sick. But I rose early this morning, and spent some time reading the Bible, praying, and getting ready for my day. I went down to starbucks and got some tea (not because I really wanted starbucks but because my beautiful woman works down there. It was worth driving the 35 minute round trip just to see her smile) I guess I just felt ready to meet my day. Ready to see what God was going to do.

Its funny how we can slip out of things so easily. I mean it wasnt like this conscience decision to abandon God. I mean i was still reading (ocassionally) and heading out to the church to be involved with The Well and church and stuff, but I was lagging behind in the way I was taking care of relationships in my life, and generally being sort of self-involved. And you know what? Its a patern I see in my life. If I start to slide a bit, my "ministry" doesnt seem to suffer as much as my friendships and mentorship type relationships do.

I mean i guess Im sorta stupid. Filling my self up with all sorts of stuff that leaves me, craving more, appitite unfuffilled, when really I know exactly what I need to fill me up. Its like being thirsty and eating saltine crackers, i just get more and more thirsty. What i really need is a cool refreshing drink of water.

So Im reading through the book of Revelation, and this was the verse that stuck out to me this morning as Im trying to re-engage in this discipline of rising early and seeking God in the mornings. Its Jesus, speaking to one of the churches in Asia Minor in chapter 2 (and speaking to me as well.)

"I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don't tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. But I have this complaint against you. You don't love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and do as you did at first."