Desafinado- I'm out of tune. It's probably because I don't read my bible much or pray much any more. I remember feeling like the bible was alive, now when I read its like dust in my mouth. I cant just read it for relationship and edification. All my education, my studying, my time spent in the word comes back and smacks me in the face. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a simpler time in my faith, where I wasn't thinking about systematic theology or the Caledonian definitions, and I could enjoy a reading of Jesus feeding the 5000 or to stand in awe at the parables Jesus used instead of thinking about the most prevalent views interpreting those parables.
And prayer scares me even more. I know, its relationship and communication and fellowship and all those other things we call it, but in some sense, I don't want to know what God thinks right now because I'm afraid he might actually want to speak. I'm weary and leaderless. I'm afraid he might actually want me to be leading others. And I don't have the time or the energy. I fall asleep on my lunch break so I cant even imagine running something. Its not that its not something I want to do. But you have to eat, right? So I spend my time and my energy on a job that's paying my bills even if its not what I want to do forever. People keep telling me its a ministry. So I try to wrap my head around that and serve those in front of me, but its wearing thin.
After all this goes through my head I think to all the books and encouragement I've received through the words of those that I will probably never meet in this life, and I have some spark of hope that this isn't for nothing, that struggles are producing something. To paraphrase Jack Lewis, who I am is no mystery to God, and someday it will no longer be a mystery to me. But hope deferred makes the heart grow weak.
