Anyways, I've been thinking about something that our pastor drew on a white board which I will try to recreate here.
He said from your same sex parent you get your sense of competency, from you opposite sex parent you get a sense of worth and from both of them you get your sense of belonging. We all probably have wounds in at least one of those areas if not all three. But in my particular case, I grew up with a mostly absent father, which means that to some extent I was missing out on a healthy helping of a sense of competency.
Now realize I’m not blaming my father or any thing for issues that I have. Rather I’m just opening a window on my though processes through the last couple of weeks as I've sought to root out some unhealth and to find healing for old wounds that I didn't realize were there.
My particular thought on that Tuesday night was, okay so dad wasn't around, I didn’t get this supposed dose of competency that I was supposed to get as a kid, but what are the normal compensation factors for that lack in a persons life and more specifically, in my own life.
I’m not sure what the normal ones are, but in my case, it’s a drive to be competent. At anything. It’s made me smart, cause I studied hard and read a lot of books. It made me good at a lot of weird things because I was always striving
But behind all of those outer doings, there has been an inner struggle over shame. I feel ashamed when something doesn’t work out or I can’t figure something out. There’s a feeling that if I just did “it” a little better some one might take notice of me and say something about it. Not that “it” was ever a fixed thing; just simply what ever I had happened to put my hands to that day. School was a perfect place for that. I excelled, I stood out, I got words of affirmation, and how God was going to do great things through me.
I realize that even though I'm seeing it more clearly, it has been about a two year process to get to this point, and the details aren’t important for this discussion but I ended up being in a place where as long as I was keeping up with and exceeding what I had previously done, I was praised, especially in ministry. And I found a lot of acceptance of my competence. As long as I kept up.
I think that’s maybe what hurts the most. When I stopped rushing headlong into the fray, almost every one else passed me by, gone on to take care of other things. Some of these relationships have been restored; others are coming around, and others still I have little hope for but in God’s power.
And its not like I’ve been healed from these feelings of shame. They are still there, I recognize them, some times they get me down, and I don’t always know what to do about them. I was supposed to be somebody, right? Did I, like the wayward son, squander away my inheritance? Did I miss some opportunity or do something wrong? And when I'm faced with not even being able to provide real well for my family, these feelings intensify.
In the last couple of months I have faced more rejection than I really care to think about with the job situation. Most people might get sad that they didn’t get a job or what ever. To me it feels like a personal rejection of who I am. I’ve always gotten jobs I’ve wanted. They fall in my lap. People desire me or at least my skill set to be apart of things they are doing. Maybe this is why I'm going through this, because its time to move on from this place.
I wrote last time about brokenness, God only moving when people were broken, and my wife asked me if I was broken yet, I had no answer because I wasn’t sure what I needed to be broken from.
It’s prideful self-confidence that masks itself through nonchalantness.
It leads to self-reliance and impatience to wait on the lord.
It leads to planning and scheming and trying to guess how to be ready for whatever life throws my way.
The key to brokenness as I see it is the careful application of truth to my life through the Word of God, implanted by the Spirit so that I might actually accept the Father’s love and acceptance without the feeling I must earn His respect, before He calls me son.
A Glimse of Jesus is a book I have started reading. He calls Jesus "the stranger to self-hatred" and calls us to be the same, to acknowledge our weaknesses and yet still walk in the truth of our position as sons of God.
