I was reading through the first couple of chapters of Exodus, where the Israelites are becoming more and more oppressed by pharaoh and the Egyptians. What were they doing? It seems they were making brinks and building cities. I’m not sure I follow Pharaoh’s reasoning in scripture, but he gets afraid at the copious numbers of Israelites in the land, that they might side with the enemies of Egypt in some future war, and decides to work them hard, get rid of the male children and put slave masters over them. So the people get oppressed and cry out to God. So God snaps his fingers and smotes the Egyptians right? Not quite. During this time a baby gets born, and through a set of unforeseen circumstances becomes Pharaoh’s daughter’s adopted child. Moses lives the Egyptian equivalent of the high life and pretty much is either ignorant to or indifferent to the plight of his people. At some point in his adult hood he gets caught killing an Egyptian who was beating an Israelite and flees the country. He marries, has children, and then God appears to Moses in a burning bush, 40 years after his escape from Egypt. After leaving Egypt, the people wandered in the wilderness for 40 more years and then Moses dies at the ripe old age of 120 just before the people cross into the Promised Land. (Just a side note, during the wilderness wanderings they had to, on average, bury eighty-two people a day- thanks Tony)
So it was early and I had to think about it but that makes Moses about 80 years old when he goes down to Egypt to set free the Israelites. And unless I missed something, the oppression that the people were crying out to God about had been going on some time before that. So for at least 80 years, but probably more, the people languished in despair.
“Then the LORD told him, "You can be sure I have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries for deliverance from their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. 8 So I have come to rescue them from the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own good and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey-the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites live. 9 The cries of the people of Israel have reached me, and I have seen how the Egyptians have oppressed them with heavy tasks. 10 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You will lead my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt."” Exodus 3:7-10
I imagine my self in the same situation. I’ve forgotten about my people, their needs their struggles or at least ignored them long enough for it them to become nothing more than a passing thought. I have a wife, I am on good terms with the in-laws, and even have some kids and sheep and land. I’m comfortable. Then God comes along and says, “I have heard their cries for deliverance”. What? Now you’ve heard their cries? Now, when I’m comfortable? I’m eighty, I’m supposed to be traveling around in an RV and collecting souvenirs from around the Sinai. Seriously God, go pick on someone else.
I’ve always heard the story of Moses conversation with God taught as, Moses was reluctant because he really wasn’t skilled or he was shy or humble. I think he was lazy. God please, please, please send any one else. And then he gave all these excuses why someone else should do it. Finally God gets mad and sends Aaron the Levite (wait how does Moses know who his Levite brother is)
But why does God wait eighty-plus years to bring his people out of captivity…
This is the question I kept coming back to in my head.
But first skip ahead a little bit. (Past the part about God going to kill Moses cause his son wasn’t circumcised, weird stuff but I have a thought about it for my next post)
Moses talks to pharaoh and pharaoh decides to make it harder on the Israelites not easier- didn’t we all see that one coming. And does Moses get thanked for trying to help them. Yeah right, they get their ropes in a knot. Then Moses cries out to God and God says that he is still going to help them (This is a short paraphrase of a chapter of Dialog)
Then Moses goes to the people and again tells them what God said
Chapter 6, Verse 9
Moses spoke thus to the people of Israel, but they did not listen to Moses, because of their broken spirit and harsh slavery.
And when I think back to question about why does God wait so long, it seems like at this point he has waited too long. The people have been broken by their slavery. Not just in bondage. Bondage implies oppression, and oppression often brings hope for the future, hope for release and hope for change. But the Israelites were broken.
I have all these biblical themes running through my head
Stories of Exile and Oppression by Babylon, Greece, and Rome
The waiting and the longing for a deliverer in times of trouble
The hope of a coming Messiah to establish Israel for good
And I even think, yes that gives me hope, God is going to come through; he’s done it before and he’ll do it again. And so I hold on to that last scrap of hope. But I think even that misses the mark.
I think God waits till people are broken to fix them.
It seems wrong, like God is almost a bad guy, and I guess I will have to untangle all my thoughts about it over the next couple of days, but I couldn’t escape my own thoughts.
God waits till people are broken to fix them.
God waits till I am broken to fix me.
January 11, 2008
January 2, 2008
Kenya
I remember my first night at the hospital. I had taken all the classes, learned the medicine and the only thing that I had left to do was actually put what I had learned into practice. I was 20 years old and for about the first hour of my shift I was pretty dumbfounded. I walked around looking, but not saying much. Blood, contusions, brokenbones, coughing, crying, moans. All of these thing were going on and I was slightly overwelmed. I rember the first thing that I did, I cleaned up the floor under a lady who had been shot. It wasnt the glamorus thing it was kinda gross, here i was with all my Emegency Medical Training and I was cleaning the floor. But it got me moving. It got me doing something and by the end of the night I had worked with all sorts of patients, drug addicts, criminals from the jail, done CPR 3 times and a bunch of other things.
And right now Im feeling that sorta dumfounded feeling again. As alot of you know I have been looking for work for the last few months. I applied for a job at ELI that seems like a great fit for me and Im eager to start, where I would, among other things, be a sort of short term missions team pastor helping with training and tending to thier needs spititually to prepare them for going to Africa and to encorage them and help them through the spiritual issues they might have at their return. I have already interviewed with the staff but have yet to interview with Don since he is in Africa.
The issue is that over night Kenya has erupted in violence. Churches have burned and the media is using terms like "ethnic cleansing". The last report I heard on Don is that they are trying to get him and his family out of the country, but that their centers in Kenya are becoming refugee camps for people who are excaping the violence, some with only the clothes on their back. If you are reading this please pray for peace in Kenya. Im not sure what else they might need from us. I have emailed the US office of ELI to see if they have physical needs. Im sure they will need money to rebuild that which was lost and to buy food since in times of unrest, the cost of everything goes up.
Here's ELI's Blog to read about what they are facing incountry.
http://empoweringlives.blogspot.com/
Here's another missionary's blog in kenya that highlights some detailed descriptions of what is actually happening in Kenya since the government closed down the news in or out of the country. http://www.dlipparelli.blogspot.com/
And right now Im feeling that sorta dumfounded feeling again. As alot of you know I have been looking for work for the last few months. I applied for a job at ELI that seems like a great fit for me and Im eager to start, where I would, among other things, be a sort of short term missions team pastor helping with training and tending to thier needs spititually to prepare them for going to Africa and to encorage them and help them through the spiritual issues they might have at their return. I have already interviewed with the staff but have yet to interview with Don since he is in Africa.
The issue is that over night Kenya has erupted in violence. Churches have burned and the media is using terms like "ethnic cleansing". The last report I heard on Don is that they are trying to get him and his family out of the country, but that their centers in Kenya are becoming refugee camps for people who are excaping the violence, some with only the clothes on their back. If you are reading this please pray for peace in Kenya. Im not sure what else they might need from us. I have emailed the US office of ELI to see if they have physical needs. Im sure they will need money to rebuild that which was lost and to buy food since in times of unrest, the cost of everything goes up.
Here's ELI's Blog to read about what they are facing incountry.
http://empoweringlives.blogspot.com/
Here's another missionary's blog in kenya that highlights some detailed descriptions of what is actually happening in Kenya since the government closed down the news in or out of the country. http://www.dlipparelli.blogspot.com/
October 23, 2007
Some thoughts from last week.
Started out feeling just plain with out hope. I guess it was the culmination of alot of things, but really it comes out of my love and hope for the Church to take her rightful place in the world instead of piddling away Her time and energies on things that neither help Her, nor the rest of the world around her.
I've been thinking and studying "spiritual gifts" as they relate to the church. My first introduction to the concept of spiritual gifts came from a guy named Dave Snow. He gave us these little questionnaires to fill out and from that we were to figure out our spiritual gifts. I still didn't have much of a concept of what they were talking about and accordingly I'm not sure that the test had any relevance to what my spiritual gifts actually were (I took the test again after a couple of years though and got what I consider a fair but rather general explanation of my spiritual gifts.
Spiritual gifts are given by God, to the Church, to bless the world.
Blessings and cursings are a biblical concept. In Genesis Abe is given the promise of God that his proceeding generations would be a blessing unto all nations. Israel was meant to carry Gods promises and blessings unto the whole world, a task which they had little success in. The Christian converts were also meant to carry that same message of blessing and hope. But like the nation of Israel we also fall short of the Goal of blessing the whole world- we often fall short of even blessing those people around us whom we care about the most.
I see this and wonder, "God, what can be done? What hope can there be when the Church doesn't even get that theres hope to be found?"
Maybe this is redundancy from my last post, but we have engaged a sort of Christianity that misinterprets the application of repentance. We even have the meaning down, but a self centered application leaves too much unsaid, undone and un-changed.
I learned in Student Venture the etymology and the process of repentance. First of all, "repent" as it is translated from Greek is a military marching term equivalent to our "about face." it goes like this. Step one, stop what you are doing. Step two, turn 180 degrees. Step three, strike out in the opposite direction. Too often I applied that process specifically and narrowly to certain parts of my life, leaving those which I though were Okay or Well Enough alone. I fought to end lust and a struggle with masturbation and pornography. I fought to end my quickness to anger. I fought to end procrastination and laziness. I go to God expecting a surgeon and he stands there as a mortician. I'd like him to cut out the bad, keep the good, and stich me back up with out leaving too much of a scar. He'd like to see me die to my self and become a new creation.
Too often I sit around planing the course, ringing my hands together while looking at the obstacles, judging the people who don't see it my way, threatening to leave them behind when I set out, figuring that all along they were wrong in their plans, their thoughts and their actions. And when nothing changes, I begin to dream of moving to far off places where "things will be different" and where the Church is healthy, and I will feel fuller while giving less.
And in all my commotion I find it hard to start- there is a plan- there is a place in the history of the Church in which we all fit, a place in the body of Christ into which we are all a part. Its time to start showing people where they fit, who Christ has created us to be, setting us apart before all time giving us our hearts and desires, so that once we have died to our selves, he could come in and show us those same dreams and hopes we once had for our lives were now to be fulfilled in His way and in His time.
I am setting out into a new season of doing. I pray that what I have learned in the last year as my wife and set out to regain some of what we had lost in our Christian faith, and returned to the basics of our calling as Christians to the world: blessing one another, sharing our meals, our home and our lives openly and without guile, seeking to teach what we know, and learn what we don't. But now I'm feeling this need that more need to engage in this both harder and simpler way. I have a month and a bit before my wife and I's one year is up. When I left working with the Well, I thought it might only be for a month or two. But when my now wife but then girlfriend got engaged we decide to take a year off from leading things to build a healthy platform of success beneath us. I feel like we have come along way in that and will continue to work on it, but we are both sensing the need to move forward in being the people who Christ called us to be.
I'm not sure what that looks like exactly yet. I'm looking forward to November when my wife and I will be heading up to Oregon to see the Bravenecs. From the sound of it, their church has tried to embrace the idea of being in community with one another and I am looking forward to talking about it with Willy.
I'm also reading three books right now that are moving and sculpting all these things about which I have been thinking about, the first is about John Westley's Class Meetings in which the author discusses practical application of biblical theology and applies it to small group meetings. The second is The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis, which is a fictional account of the correspondence between two demons about a christian they are tempting. It is making me realize that I commit more sins than I could have guessed, and called them virtues. And the third book is called The Importance of Being Foolish by Brenning Manning. Many people talk about choosing the "good" over choosing the "best. Manning's book calls those people out, saying the "good" is really the wrong, and to repent and reclaim the heart of God for the poor, the widowed and the disenfranchised. It is the first book in a long time that has ignited a sort of fire in my belly.
Also this week I struggled with what I felt was a broken relationship and committed a sin of gossip (and un unkind words) and trying to bring people to my side. Luckily enough this friend of mine called me out and said go deal with it, so I went and dealt with it. That's as far as it went, but my hopelessness was causing me to lash out in frustration instead of dealing with things in an appropriate manor. If you think this is weird that I put this confession of sin on here, then I would agree with you, however I also think that one of John Wesley's small group questions is amazing and will encourage growth as I seek both to answer it honestly and seek honest answers from others so that we might confront sin instead of entertaining it and keeping it secret: "What sin has befallen you this week?"
So with an exhortation I leave you- Be a blessing to those around you. Bring blessings and not curses where ever you go. It takes energy to be a blessing. I bless you with the strength that God so richly provides to take blessings with you as you go on your journeys.
I've been thinking and studying "spiritual gifts" as they relate to the church. My first introduction to the concept of spiritual gifts came from a guy named Dave Snow. He gave us these little questionnaires to fill out and from that we were to figure out our spiritual gifts. I still didn't have much of a concept of what they were talking about and accordingly I'm not sure that the test had any relevance to what my spiritual gifts actually were (I took the test again after a couple of years though and got what I consider a fair but rather general explanation of my spiritual gifts.
Spiritual gifts are given by God, to the Church, to bless the world.
Blessings and cursings are a biblical concept. In Genesis Abe is given the promise of God that his proceeding generations would be a blessing unto all nations. Israel was meant to carry Gods promises and blessings unto the whole world, a task which they had little success in. The Christian converts were also meant to carry that same message of blessing and hope. But like the nation of Israel we also fall short of the Goal of blessing the whole world- we often fall short of even blessing those people around us whom we care about the most.
I see this and wonder, "God, what can be done? What hope can there be when the Church doesn't even get that theres hope to be found?"
Maybe this is redundancy from my last post, but we have engaged a sort of Christianity that misinterprets the application of repentance. We even have the meaning down, but a self centered application leaves too much unsaid, undone and un-changed.
I learned in Student Venture the etymology and the process of repentance. First of all, "repent" as it is translated from Greek is a military marching term equivalent to our "about face." it goes like this. Step one, stop what you are doing. Step two, turn 180 degrees. Step three, strike out in the opposite direction. Too often I applied that process specifically and narrowly to certain parts of my life, leaving those which I though were Okay or Well Enough alone. I fought to end lust and a struggle with masturbation and pornography. I fought to end my quickness to anger. I fought to end procrastination and laziness. I go to God expecting a surgeon and he stands there as a mortician. I'd like him to cut out the bad, keep the good, and stich me back up with out leaving too much of a scar. He'd like to see me die to my self and become a new creation.
Too often I sit around planing the course, ringing my hands together while looking at the obstacles, judging the people who don't see it my way, threatening to leave them behind when I set out, figuring that all along they were wrong in their plans, their thoughts and their actions. And when nothing changes, I begin to dream of moving to far off places where "things will be different" and where the Church is healthy, and I will feel fuller while giving less.
And in all my commotion I find it hard to start- there is a plan- there is a place in the history of the Church in which we all fit, a place in the body of Christ into which we are all a part. Its time to start showing people where they fit, who Christ has created us to be, setting us apart before all time giving us our hearts and desires, so that once we have died to our selves, he could come in and show us those same dreams and hopes we once had for our lives were now to be fulfilled in His way and in His time.
I am setting out into a new season of doing. I pray that what I have learned in the last year as my wife and set out to regain some of what we had lost in our Christian faith, and returned to the basics of our calling as Christians to the world: blessing one another, sharing our meals, our home and our lives openly and without guile, seeking to teach what we know, and learn what we don't. But now I'm feeling this need that more need to engage in this both harder and simpler way. I have a month and a bit before my wife and I's one year is up. When I left working with the Well, I thought it might only be for a month or two. But when my now wife but then girlfriend got engaged we decide to take a year off from leading things to build a healthy platform of success beneath us. I feel like we have come along way in that and will continue to work on it, but we are both sensing the need to move forward in being the people who Christ called us to be.
I'm not sure what that looks like exactly yet. I'm looking forward to November when my wife and I will be heading up to Oregon to see the Bravenecs. From the sound of it, their church has tried to embrace the idea of being in community with one another and I am looking forward to talking about it with Willy.
I'm also reading three books right now that are moving and sculpting all these things about which I have been thinking about, the first is about John Westley's Class Meetings in which the author discusses practical application of biblical theology and applies it to small group meetings. The second is The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis, which is a fictional account of the correspondence between two demons about a christian they are tempting. It is making me realize that I commit more sins than I could have guessed, and called them virtues. And the third book is called The Importance of Being Foolish by Brenning Manning. Many people talk about choosing the "good" over choosing the "best. Manning's book calls those people out, saying the "good" is really the wrong, and to repent and reclaim the heart of God for the poor, the widowed and the disenfranchised. It is the first book in a long time that has ignited a sort of fire in my belly.
Also this week I struggled with what I felt was a broken relationship and committed a sin of gossip (and un unkind words) and trying to bring people to my side. Luckily enough this friend of mine called me out and said go deal with it, so I went and dealt with it. That's as far as it went, but my hopelessness was causing me to lash out in frustration instead of dealing with things in an appropriate manor. If you think this is weird that I put this confession of sin on here, then I would agree with you, however I also think that one of John Wesley's small group questions is amazing and will encourage growth as I seek both to answer it honestly and seek honest answers from others so that we might confront sin instead of entertaining it and keeping it secret: "What sin has befallen you this week?"
So with an exhortation I leave you- Be a blessing to those around you. Bring blessings and not curses where ever you go. It takes energy to be a blessing. I bless you with the strength that God so richly provides to take blessings with you as you go on your journeys.
October 3, 2007
Page 1
I've got this idea from a strange book that I once read. In the book a higher echelon demon was sending letters to a lower demon who was trying to convert and circumvent a young christian who had his normal virtues and vices. While this book has a rather spurious plot line the basic point of the story was about all the things that we fail to recognize as sin or detrimental to our christian faith. One point that Jack Lewis makes in his book is in relation to church life. Keep in mind that these are demons talking, so the language takes a little thinking about.
“One of our great allies at present is the Church itself. Do not misunderstand me. I do not mean the Church as we see her spread out through all time and space and rooted in eternity, terrible as an army with banners. That, I confess is a spectral which makes our boldest tempters uneasy. But fortunately that is quite invisible to these humans.”
The very words burn in my heart and head. And I think, Great? Terrible? Spread through time and space? And I, much like that younger demon's subject have trouble seeing the Church thus and instead focus on the shortcomings of the people who make up the Church, misguided and blinded by the actions of others.
I have been thinking as of late about the narrative continuum that is the story of the Church “spread out through time and space”. It started with the revelation of God to those whom he would call His people. These stories were recorded in the Old testament, stories of God’s interaction with man. These stories teach us about the character and nature whose name was recorded as four letters. These letters with the addition of some vowels have given us God’s name as Jehovah or Yahweh. God spoke with the prophets giving them a way to live so that the people might join into life with Him. In and of them selves they were unable to stay the course that the prophets spoke of, though they also spoke of a future hope for the people that one day they would be free.
Then one day a man appeared who claimed he was God, that he had come to fulfill the hope that had been spoken for. “The The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.” He was killed as a heretic, but was soon proven to be who he said he was when he was seen walking around after his very public death. Soon after a change was seen in his followers, allowing them to perform miracles and, as the prophets of the old testament prophesied, to join in life with God. Over the next two thousand years, these followers continued to seek God, learning more about Him and how to be in life with him.
Which leads us to today. We often seek God, but we insist on asking questions like what should I do about my job? Should I marry this girl or that guy? How can I get out of debt? Why is there evil in the world? Should I be a Calvinist? What church should I go to? While these are all good questions, I think a better one, a question that is more in line with the heart of God is this, what is to be our role in the history of the Church?
But to speak of the history of the church one must assume a role much more grand than that of an average American christian. Much in the same way that Christ turned fishermen and tax collectors into missionaries and Evangelists. Somehow we have taken the term Christian and associated it with “good people” who pay their taxes (give to Cesar what is Cesar’s) don’t speed (obey the laws of the land) don’t cheat on their wives (don’t commit adultery) don’t cuss (let no unwholesome word come from your mouth) don’t drink or smoke (your body is a temple). But God calls us to do good not just be good. For those same people who follow all these supposed rules of the church, walk by homeless people on the street, drive by those broken down on the road, we lock our doors to keep out the hungry, and we close our hospitals to those who are dieing. Friends, the heart of God is for widows and orphans, the poor, the blind, the sick. His heart is for healing our lands. There's this story in Mathew 25 that quite frankly doesn’t fit into any theology I was ever taught in church and scares the bejebers out of me
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on his right, Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? 40 And the King will answer them, Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. 41 Then he will say to those on his left, Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. 44 Then they also will answer, saying, Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you? 45 Then he will answer them, saying, Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me. 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
I have been told all my life that the salvation of God is offered freely and all I have to do is accept it, that there's nothing that I can do to earn my salvation. The problem with that statement is that it is incomplete and stems from a misunderstanding of what salvation actually is. We tend to think of ourselves as free moral entities who have the right to self determination. But some times I don’t feel very free. Oh yes I have some sort of limited movement in my life like a dog on a leash or an electron circling its atom. I have a limited range but ultimately I am tied to a path that was not set by my own actions. Salvation is what God promised was to come, the ability to leave that set path, and to become more like God, joining into His sort of life. Salvation then as I understand it is about trading one kind of life, for another. But rarely do we find this sort of salvation being proclaimed from the pulpit. Because engaging in this different sort of life is going to put us at odds with the world and those that love it.
“One of our great allies at present is the Church itself. Do not misunderstand me. I do not mean the Church as we see her spread out through all time and space and rooted in eternity, terrible as an army with banners. That, I confess is a spectral which makes our boldest tempters uneasy. But fortunately that is quite invisible to these humans.”
The very words burn in my heart and head. And I think, Great? Terrible? Spread through time and space? And I, much like that younger demon's subject have trouble seeing the Church thus and instead focus on the shortcomings of the people who make up the Church, misguided and blinded by the actions of others.
I have been thinking as of late about the narrative continuum that is the story of the Church “spread out through time and space”. It started with the revelation of God to those whom he would call His people. These stories were recorded in the Old testament, stories of God’s interaction with man. These stories teach us about the character and nature whose name was recorded as four letters. These letters with the addition of some vowels have given us God’s name as Jehovah or Yahweh. God spoke with the prophets giving them a way to live so that the people might join into life with Him. In and of them selves they were unable to stay the course that the prophets spoke of, though they also spoke of a future hope for the people that one day they would be free.
Then one day a man appeared who claimed he was God, that he had come to fulfill the hope that had been spoken for. “The The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.” He was killed as a heretic, but was soon proven to be who he said he was when he was seen walking around after his very public death. Soon after a change was seen in his followers, allowing them to perform miracles and, as the prophets of the old testament prophesied, to join in life with God. Over the next two thousand years, these followers continued to seek God, learning more about Him and how to be in life with him.
Which leads us to today. We often seek God, but we insist on asking questions like what should I do about my job? Should I marry this girl or that guy? How can I get out of debt? Why is there evil in the world? Should I be a Calvinist? What church should I go to? While these are all good questions, I think a better one, a question that is more in line with the heart of God is this, what is to be our role in the history of the Church?
But to speak of the history of the church one must assume a role much more grand than that of an average American christian. Much in the same way that Christ turned fishermen and tax collectors into missionaries and Evangelists. Somehow we have taken the term Christian and associated it with “good people” who pay their taxes (give to Cesar what is Cesar’s) don’t speed (obey the laws of the land) don’t cheat on their wives (don’t commit adultery) don’t cuss (let no unwholesome word come from your mouth) don’t drink or smoke (your body is a temple). But God calls us to do good not just be good. For those same people who follow all these supposed rules of the church, walk by homeless people on the street, drive by those broken down on the road, we lock our doors to keep out the hungry, and we close our hospitals to those who are dieing. Friends, the heart of God is for widows and orphans, the poor, the blind, the sick. His heart is for healing our lands. There's this story in Mathew 25 that quite frankly doesn’t fit into any theology I was ever taught in church and scares the bejebers out of me
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on his right, Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? 40 And the King will answer them, Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. 41 Then he will say to those on his left, Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. 44 Then they also will answer, saying, Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you? 45 Then he will answer them, saying, Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me. 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
I have been told all my life that the salvation of God is offered freely and all I have to do is accept it, that there's nothing that I can do to earn my salvation. The problem with that statement is that it is incomplete and stems from a misunderstanding of what salvation actually is. We tend to think of ourselves as free moral entities who have the right to self determination. But some times I don’t feel very free. Oh yes I have some sort of limited movement in my life like a dog on a leash or an electron circling its atom. I have a limited range but ultimately I am tied to a path that was not set by my own actions. Salvation is what God promised was to come, the ability to leave that set path, and to become more like God, joining into His sort of life. Salvation then as I understand it is about trading one kind of life, for another. But rarely do we find this sort of salvation being proclaimed from the pulpit. Because engaging in this different sort of life is going to put us at odds with the world and those that love it.
September 29, 2007
.struggles.
Its funny, my hours got cut back this week, and I'm not even feeling worried about it. In fact I often forget about it till I get a call or an email from someone who has just heard or has some new lead. I dont really see this as a bad thing. I see it as God, after giving me ample time on my own, kicking my own butt, which sometimes I am desperatly in need of.
I sat with God on friday and just wrote down bullet points of what i was thinking and feeling.
I love the Church, the people in the Church, and Im discoraged by the state of the Bride.
So I'll be fleshing out some of these ideas and thoughts of my 6 pages of bullet points over the next couple of weeks (since as Alison pointed out, I now have more time to do these things.)
Talk to all yall soon.
Adam
I sat with God on friday and just wrote down bullet points of what i was thinking and feeling.
I love the Church, the people in the Church, and Im discoraged by the state of the Bride.
So I'll be fleshing out some of these ideas and thoughts of my 6 pages of bullet points over the next couple of weeks (since as Alison pointed out, I now have more time to do these things.)
Talk to all yall soon.
Adam
The Church and the Third Place
One of the wonderings about the third place.
"Should the church become peoples Third Place?
That is, does the church need to be the safe place that people go.
Some say yes, its a place of fellowship and community
Others say no, its not the place that needs to be inviting, its the people (who
really are the church)"
The Church and the Third Place.
Our church used to be a “mobil” church, that is, we rented a space to have Sunday morning services and every week we drove our little truck full of goodies to our improvized santuary, unloaded and set up the sound equipment, had service then packed it up again after we were finished. I used to help set up the sound most Sunday mornings which means we got there at around 7 am for a 9:30 service. It was great. People bonded over their “suffering” each week to turn a school audtorium into a place to come meet God. Having a mobil church is probably the closest thing to being part of the persecuted church that you can get in Amercia. I don’t say that to trivialize the sufferings of the persecuted church but rather just to say that mutual suffering, real or percieved, creates a bond that is hard to make otherwise. People band together over suffering.
So in all this moving about the church started renting a place off of 4 Corners in Elsinore. It wasn’t big, 30’ by 80’, nor very nice, it had concrete floors with old flooring glue on it and leaked when it rained. However it did have location going for it. Not only was it located within walking distance of mine and several other of the leaders, it was located with in walking distance of a lot of the students homes. There was a lot to do as far as building and painting the youth room and eventually it became a place where your could almost always find someone “hanging out” either having a small bible study, working on a message, reading a book, or even playing “butts up” (a rather painful game played with a tennis ball, requireing more dexterity and speed than I could muster.) The point is, that for many of the youth and the leaders, our youth building became our Third Place (see the previous blog).
And then our church moved to a building that we had built and we had a larger room with carpet, a sound board and some hansil and grettle sort of storage closets. At first we were like, woo were so excited, but then as the newness factor wore off we started to realize that we had, for what ever reason, lost a lot of that feeling. People didn’t just stop by anymore and hang out. We had schedules and things to do and stuff to acomplish.
Was it just the change of place, or was it the change of pace?
I mean its true, we lost a place that was solely our own. Which means we couldn’t just use it for whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. We now had to check a schedule and use the places that werent being used. But I don’t think the feeling of a third place is baised as much on location as it is baised on what you feel in a location. And feelings are a mixture of relationships and memories and current events.
As Christians, we often go to church, but have a hard time inviting people into our church. I think a portion of that is a level of uncomfortableness with church, due to our memories, current events in our lives and the relationships with those arround us.
We have lost our focus on the message of Grace.
We have lost our focus on hospitalyity which is a demonstration of grace.
We think the church ought to be doing it for us. The church should be providing a place of grace and hospitality right? Except we forget that we are to be the church. Where is your hospitality? Where is mine? I have forgoten that grace is the central message and hospitality is the one of the outward manifestations of grace. But what is grace? What do we mean by hospitality? More to come…
"Should the church become peoples Third Place?
That is, does the church need to be the safe place that people go.
Some say yes, its a place of fellowship and community
Others say no, its not the place that needs to be inviting, its the people (who
really are the church)"
The Church and the Third Place.
Our church used to be a “mobil” church, that is, we rented a space to have Sunday morning services and every week we drove our little truck full of goodies to our improvized santuary, unloaded and set up the sound equipment, had service then packed it up again after we were finished. I used to help set up the sound most Sunday mornings which means we got there at around 7 am for a 9:30 service. It was great. People bonded over their “suffering” each week to turn a school audtorium into a place to come meet God. Having a mobil church is probably the closest thing to being part of the persecuted church that you can get in Amercia. I don’t say that to trivialize the sufferings of the persecuted church but rather just to say that mutual suffering, real or percieved, creates a bond that is hard to make otherwise. People band together over suffering.
So in all this moving about the church started renting a place off of 4 Corners in Elsinore. It wasn’t big, 30’ by 80’, nor very nice, it had concrete floors with old flooring glue on it and leaked when it rained. However it did have location going for it. Not only was it located within walking distance of mine and several other of the leaders, it was located with in walking distance of a lot of the students homes. There was a lot to do as far as building and painting the youth room and eventually it became a place where your could almost always find someone “hanging out” either having a small bible study, working on a message, reading a book, or even playing “butts up” (a rather painful game played with a tennis ball, requireing more dexterity and speed than I could muster.) The point is, that for many of the youth and the leaders, our youth building became our Third Place (see the previous blog).
And then our church moved to a building that we had built and we had a larger room with carpet, a sound board and some hansil and grettle sort of storage closets. At first we were like, woo were so excited, but then as the newness factor wore off we started to realize that we had, for what ever reason, lost a lot of that feeling. People didn’t just stop by anymore and hang out. We had schedules and things to do and stuff to acomplish.
Was it just the change of place, or was it the change of pace?
I mean its true, we lost a place that was solely our own. Which means we couldn’t just use it for whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. We now had to check a schedule and use the places that werent being used. But I don’t think the feeling of a third place is baised as much on location as it is baised on what you feel in a location. And feelings are a mixture of relationships and memories and current events.
As Christians, we often go to church, but have a hard time inviting people into our church. I think a portion of that is a level of uncomfortableness with church, due to our memories, current events in our lives and the relationships with those arround us.
We have lost our focus on the message of Grace.
We have lost our focus on hospitalyity which is a demonstration of grace.
We think the church ought to be doing it for us. The church should be providing a place of grace and hospitality right? Except we forget that we are to be the church. Where is your hospitality? Where is mine? I have forgoten that grace is the central message and hospitality is the one of the outward manifestations of grace. But what is grace? What do we mean by hospitality? More to come…
August 28, 2007
Mumbo Jumbo and The Third Place
Ive got all these things that I want to write about right now and they all seemed to be stuck together and tangled like the cables behind my computer. Perhaps if i pull at the easiest one, the others will begin their long journey from thought to screen.
The first and easiest something i have been thinking about has to do with a little know place where Christians have traded in their crack pipes for something slightly less nefarious. My wife worked here for a while wearing a sorta Christmas elf looking green apron and serving their meth substitute in venti cups with pithy statements on them. Yes your neighbor hood Starbucks. Don't get me wrong, i like and drink coffee, but I have so many issues about drinking a big mack, fries and a coke blended into a frappichino (I'm not even kidding, go check out the nutritional facts)
But I wasn't really thinking about that. I was thinking about a conversation I had with my wife about smoothies and dating. We signed up for this date night at church. You read a book separately, answer some questions, then go on a date and discuss what you thought, or your questions or what ever. Its fairly good and guided, and each week there is a specific topic of discussion ranging from communication, involvement, parenting, growing old, sex, household chores, and spiritual connection. But seeing how it started at 7 o'clock on a Saturday, we didn't usually have time to go after the meeting on our date so we would go before. We cruised over to this little shopping center near the church to coffee from the Bucks. But I decided i wanted a Smoothie instead. But since the smoothie place has no chairs in it, i wondered if we could sit in Starbucks and drink it and talk. So i asked Sarah if it was okay, seeing as how she worked there and all. She said yes. Are you sure?
Yeah the want to be your Third Place.
Huh? Whats that supposed to mean. She went on to tell me that it is Starbucks corporate policy to allow anyone and everyone to come in, use their place, their electricity, their bathrooms, to eat and drink food from other restaurants, to have meetings and conduct business, and to stay for as long as you want, with out spending a dime because they would like to become your Third Place. See almost every one has a First Place. A place you call home where you go to sleep, where you eat. Its your house, your home, your abode and domicile. Your second place is your work. Where you sit and make money and get stuff done. But your third place... that's what Starbucks wants to be, the place you go to hang out, meet friends, chill. Perhaps the owners watched a little too much cheers in their life. Starbucks prides itself in its regulars, they even have a whole series of commercials where the drink looses its fancy Italian name and is called by the person ordering it (its not a triple venti latte with Cinnamon and soy milk, its simply an Eddie) So the next couple of posts on this blog will be about my thoughts on the "Third Place"
The first and easiest something i have been thinking about has to do with a little know place where Christians have traded in their crack pipes for something slightly less nefarious. My wife worked here for a while wearing a sorta Christmas elf looking green apron and serving their meth substitute in venti cups with pithy statements on them. Yes your neighbor hood Starbucks. Don't get me wrong, i like and drink coffee, but I have so many issues about drinking a big mack, fries and a coke blended into a frappichino (I'm not even kidding, go check out the nutritional facts)
But I wasn't really thinking about that. I was thinking about a conversation I had with my wife about smoothies and dating. We signed up for this date night at church. You read a book separately, answer some questions, then go on a date and discuss what you thought, or your questions or what ever. Its fairly good and guided, and each week there is a specific topic of discussion ranging from communication, involvement, parenting, growing old, sex, household chores, and spiritual connection. But seeing how it started at 7 o'clock on a Saturday, we didn't usually have time to go after the meeting on our date so we would go before. We cruised over to this little shopping center near the church to coffee from the Bucks. But I decided i wanted a Smoothie instead. But since the smoothie place has no chairs in it, i wondered if we could sit in Starbucks and drink it and talk. So i asked Sarah if it was okay, seeing as how she worked there and all. She said yes. Are you sure?
Yeah the want to be your Third Place.
Huh? Whats that supposed to mean. She went on to tell me that it is Starbucks corporate policy to allow anyone and everyone to come in, use their place, their electricity, their bathrooms, to eat and drink food from other restaurants, to have meetings and conduct business, and to stay for as long as you want, with out spending a dime because they would like to become your Third Place. See almost every one has a First Place. A place you call home where you go to sleep, where you eat. Its your house, your home, your abode and domicile. Your second place is your work. Where you sit and make money and get stuff done. But your third place... that's what Starbucks wants to be, the place you go to hang out, meet friends, chill. Perhaps the owners watched a little too much cheers in their life. Starbucks prides itself in its regulars, they even have a whole series of commercials where the drink looses its fancy Italian name and is called by the person ordering it (its not a triple venti latte with Cinnamon and soy milk, its simply an Eddie) So the next couple of posts on this blog will be about my thoughts on the "Third Place"
June 27, 2007
Anniversaries
Today is my one-year anniversary of dating my wife. Its also her birthday which apparently in the eyes of some other guys I know, was a smart move since I only need to remember one date instead of two. I don’t see that as a bonus yet, but maybe when Im old and senile it will be nice.
I always thought that there would be things that I could learn being married that I couldn’t as a single man. And you know what? I probably was right. I was driving in the car with my wife to church on Sunday (yawn…It was way to early to be up, but we had to be their for choir) She looks over and sleepily says “You’re a good husband.” See, we had just had a big night out for her birthday, I had gotten up and made breakfast, brewed her some tea for church and ironed her outfit for church. But just two nights before we’d gotten into it over what now seems stupid but at the time seemed like a big deal. Had she simply just forgotten all that? I think I would rather say “I’m learning to be a good husband”
I never had thought of myself as selfish, nor has anyone ever called me that, not even my wife in the most heated of arguments. (Yes in two months we’ve had heated arguments. Hey give us a break we’re still learning how to communicate with each other) But the reality is, that I have seen more selfishness that I didn’t even know was there. My this, my way to do that, my needs, my time, my house. Ultimately its my space: the nitch that I had carved out in my life that I thought of as mine. It is no longer mine, its ours. Our life our future. God help me to rid myself of selfishish ambition and run the race well.
I always thought that there would be things that I could learn being married that I couldn’t as a single man. And you know what? I probably was right. I was driving in the car with my wife to church on Sunday (yawn…It was way to early to be up, but we had to be their for choir) She looks over and sleepily says “You’re a good husband.” See, we had just had a big night out for her birthday, I had gotten up and made breakfast, brewed her some tea for church and ironed her outfit for church. But just two nights before we’d gotten into it over what now seems stupid but at the time seemed like a big deal. Had she simply just forgotten all that? I think I would rather say “I’m learning to be a good husband”
I never had thought of myself as selfish, nor has anyone ever called me that, not even my wife in the most heated of arguments. (Yes in two months we’ve had heated arguments. Hey give us a break we’re still learning how to communicate with each other) But the reality is, that I have seen more selfishness that I didn’t even know was there. My this, my way to do that, my needs, my time, my house. Ultimately its my space: the nitch that I had carved out in my life that I thought of as mine. It is no longer mine, its ours. Our life our future. God help me to rid myself of selfishish ambition and run the race well.
June 8, 2007
Spinning the world.
Or at least a small part of it.
Its amazing to me how much a bit of change a has the ability to energize.
...
Its amazing to me how much a bit of change a has the ability to energize.
...
June 7, 2007
Sailing
My boat seems adrift amid the sea of life.
I have untied from the dock, pushed out into water and let the wind and waves push me to and fro. The sounds and smells of the salty ocean bring to mind memories of pickles and fish as the waves lap gently against the side of the boat. Where to next. Without a map and preset course i have set out to find a new contry to belong to. Its seems frantic when the name of your destination is unknown however there is time to prepare for our land as ther is no land yet in sight. Which way to go? Any way seems okay since i have no idea how long the journey is in any direction, save the one I came from. Will i, like Chesterton, seek out new adventures only to discover landing in my own backyard, and even more supprising, find that there were new adventures to be had even there?
Run up the spiniacer, its time to start moving along Adam.
I have untied from the dock, pushed out into water and let the wind and waves push me to and fro. The sounds and smells of the salty ocean bring to mind memories of pickles and fish as the waves lap gently against the side of the boat. Where to next. Without a map and preset course i have set out to find a new contry to belong to. Its seems frantic when the name of your destination is unknown however there is time to prepare for our land as ther is no land yet in sight. Which way to go? Any way seems okay since i have no idea how long the journey is in any direction, save the one I came from. Will i, like Chesterton, seek out new adventures only to discover landing in my own backyard, and even more supprising, find that there were new adventures to be had even there?
Run up the spiniacer, its time to start moving along Adam.
April 28, 2007
Wedding Days
Man how much life changes in a year. A year ago I was faintly interested in this girl who I talked to over the internet because she was living in Russia at the time. We talked alot, and come to find out, it meant alot to her, the long nights on Ichat and the emails back and forth when our schedules didnt match well. It was about this time when we both started (unbeknownst to each other) thinking, "Hey this might work out here." She came back, we started dating, and bada bing, bada boom, here we are and now today the two of us have decied to make our connection a perminant one, at least for this life. So today I marry and join my life to my beautiful bride, and together we will explore the mysteries of God, how our relationship is to be like Christ's to the church, how two become one, and how we become stronger and better together.
More to come I'm sure...
More to come I'm sure...
April 28th...
Man how much life changes in a year. A year ago I was faintly interested in this girl who I talked to over the internet because she was living in Russia at the time. We talked alot, and come to find out, it meant alot to her, the long nights on Ichat and the emails back and forth when our schedules didnt match well. It was about this time when we both started (unbeknownst to each other) thinking, "Hey this might work out here." She came back, we started dating, and bada bing, bada boom, here we are and now today the two of us have decied to make our connection a perminant one, at least for this life. So today I marry and join my life to my beautiful bride, and together we will explore the mysteries of God, how our relationship is to be like Christ's to the church, how two become one, and how we become stronger and better together.
More to come I'm sure...
More to come I'm sure...
February 15, 2007
December 15, 2006
And on the seventh day... rest.
Rest.
"and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD"
"and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD"
Then there was evening and morning. The sixth day.
Okay so today I feel better. It was wierd. I heard of those 24 hour bugs, even made them up in highschool so I wouldnt have to go, but never have I experienced one. Went to Peppertree tonight. The kids put on a little production as a way to thank us for helping them and doing the Christmas gift thing for them on Saturday.
First time in along time that I really felt appreciated by someone I was ministering to. I get thanks from people I am (was?) in ministry with but rarely do people who you serve thank you. I dont think Im living for that. I could pick much "better" ministries to be apart of to be confirmed and affirmed in. It was just... nice.
Is it wrong to look for encouragement? I dont know. Some would call it living for people (instead of God) or being a man-pleaser, both of which I have struggled with and still sometimes struggle with. One of my teachers posed the question "If you had to pick a herisey to follow which would you pick?" Easy. Im would fall in the camp of the "Social Gospel", putting heaven on the back burner and taking care of people now. Helping them out of where they are at.
Let me say on the record. I am not a Social Gospelist. I just have leanings, just like any other christian arround.
But encouragement from the body, is biblical, called for by God, and sometimes very needed for strenght to continue.
First time in along time that I really felt appreciated by someone I was ministering to. I get thanks from people I am (was?) in ministry with but rarely do people who you serve thank you. I dont think Im living for that. I could pick much "better" ministries to be apart of to be confirmed and affirmed in. It was just... nice.
Is it wrong to look for encouragement? I dont know. Some would call it living for people (instead of God) or being a man-pleaser, both of which I have struggled with and still sometimes struggle with. One of my teachers posed the question "If you had to pick a herisey to follow which would you pick?" Easy. Im would fall in the camp of the "Social Gospel", putting heaven on the back burner and taking care of people now. Helping them out of where they are at.
Let me say on the record. I am not a Social Gospelist. I just have leanings, just like any other christian arround.
But encouragement from the body, is biblical, called for by God, and sometimes very needed for strenght to continue.
Then there was evening and morning. The fifth day.
Im sick!
Urgg I have a fever and chills.
One minute i cant seem to get warm.
The next I am boinling up.
Urgg I have a fever and chills.
One minute i cant seem to get warm.
The next I am boinling up.
December 11, 2006
Then there was evening and morning. The fourth day...
Feeling a little light today.
Nothing much to say, but I promiced myself that I would write at least 10 minutes, 6 days a week (and rest on the seventh) while all this was going on. Worked today. Yeah.
Umm.
Going to go home.
Going to wash some dishes.
Going to make some dinner.
Going to eat some dinner.
Will probably clean a little. My house is not "a mess" but it could us a tidying up. Got some presents to write in. I dont wrap them because, oddly enough S. gets much enjoyment out of wrapping presents. So I just mostly write little notes for them, either in the cover if they are books or in a card taped to the front.
Mike called. Wants me to pray about starting a church with him in Sweeden. Crazy guy. I dont know if I am up to that right now. But he said it would be a couple of years before we'd go. Hes already sending me links and articles.
And I got an email from a writers blog I have. The are looking for a writer for a Missions orfanization that reaches out to europe, and they are baised in CO within about an hour (barring blizzards) of where Mike lives. Praying.
Heard from God? Not yet.
Only
Father the fatherless.
"Oh lead me to the place where I can find You"
Nothing much to say, but I promiced myself that I would write at least 10 minutes, 6 days a week (and rest on the seventh) while all this was going on. Worked today. Yeah.
Umm.
Going to go home.
Going to wash some dishes.
Going to make some dinner.
Going to eat some dinner.
Will probably clean a little. My house is not "a mess" but it could us a tidying up. Got some presents to write in. I dont wrap them because, oddly enough S. gets much enjoyment out of wrapping presents. So I just mostly write little notes for them, either in the cover if they are books or in a card taped to the front.
Mike called. Wants me to pray about starting a church with him in Sweeden. Crazy guy. I dont know if I am up to that right now. But he said it would be a couple of years before we'd go. Hes already sending me links and articles.
And I got an email from a writers blog I have. The are looking for a writer for a Missions orfanization that reaches out to europe, and they are baised in CO within about an hour (barring blizzards) of where Mike lives. Praying.
Heard from God? Not yet.
Only
Father the fatherless.
"Oh lead me to the place where I can find You"
December 10, 2006
Then there was evening and morning. The third day...
Im a little late in getting this up.
All sorts of thoughts going through my head.
Church this morning.
Thought Gary was going to anounce my stepping down.
People still are expecting "Pastor Adam" or at least "Get it done Adam"
Pastor Adam is okay.
Like anyone could stop me from pastoring, tending and instructing.
Maybe my real issue is filling time with stuff that Pastors are "supposed to do" without ever doing the real work of a pastor. Like working the angles of prayer, scripure and Godly mentoring.
Maybe sometimes I am a bad friend. I went to a friends house tonight. Totally went to bless them and cook them dinner in the midst of holiday busyness. But as I was leaving, I was struck with the fact that another of my friends who is looking to be blessed, has asked for it, I feel unable to bless. Things that would totally knock my socks off dont work for him and at this point I feel unable to accomplish this task. Can people be too different? I dont know. We seem to have different views on everything from ministry to family life to how friendships should even function.
Forced together by involvement in the same ministry, held together by one touch point, conflicts ensue, Christ, the scriptures, the Holy Spirit, and when nessisary other counsilers were needed to keep us together. Remove that touch point and what happens? Do we cease to be friends? Many words spoken, but less action is taken. There isnt hate or apathay. Theres love and care and excitement, just it seems that there is a moving appart.
Where should the heart of a Son be?
Trying to hold on?- Keeping to the biblical principles of unity, and embracing the pain of misunderstandings?
Letting go? Loosing a friend to the fact that we are both growing in differant directions? Embracing the pain of a lost friendship?
Somewhere in the middle? Trying to keep a little of both to excape both extrems of pain?
Something different that I havent even thought of?
All sorts of thoughts going through my head.
Church this morning.
Thought Gary was going to anounce my stepping down.
People still are expecting "Pastor Adam" or at least "Get it done Adam"
Pastor Adam is okay.
Like anyone could stop me from pastoring, tending and instructing.
Maybe my real issue is filling time with stuff that Pastors are "supposed to do" without ever doing the real work of a pastor. Like working the angles of prayer, scripure and Godly mentoring.
Maybe sometimes I am a bad friend. I went to a friends house tonight. Totally went to bless them and cook them dinner in the midst of holiday busyness. But as I was leaving, I was struck with the fact that another of my friends who is looking to be blessed, has asked for it, I feel unable to bless. Things that would totally knock my socks off dont work for him and at this point I feel unable to accomplish this task. Can people be too different? I dont know. We seem to have different views on everything from ministry to family life to how friendships should even function.
Forced together by involvement in the same ministry, held together by one touch point, conflicts ensue, Christ, the scriptures, the Holy Spirit, and when nessisary other counsilers were needed to keep us together. Remove that touch point and what happens? Do we cease to be friends? Many words spoken, but less action is taken. There isnt hate or apathay. Theres love and care and excitement, just it seems that there is a moving appart.
Where should the heart of a Son be?
Trying to hold on?- Keeping to the biblical principles of unity, and embracing the pain of misunderstandings?
Letting go? Loosing a friend to the fact that we are both growing in differant directions? Embracing the pain of a lost friendship?
Somewhere in the middle? Trying to keep a little of both to excape both extrems of pain?
Something different that I havent even thought of?
December 8, 2006
Then there was evening and morning. The second day...
Day number two.
Its not overyet. Its amazing how the unimportant has so much ability to clog the arteries of our spiritual heart. Staring at a computer screen has the ability to numb the spirt, entrap the soul, and cause our bodies to fall almost into slumber.
Delt with my first wierd person who had nothing to say to me. Bye, you'll be missed. Then the wierd long awkward pause as the reality began to show that even though I had tried to explain it to them, they missed what I was saying and really just didnt get it. Dont cover it up. Dont stop what you're doing, don't doubt the ministry. Because I've left, do people think that I dont care about what happens as I leave. Dont you think I know theres a whole that no one is prepared to fill. Theres anguish in my heart over this. When I left Student Venture it took five people to take over my position. Is that pride on my part, I hope not. Rather a realization of two things.
First, God has gifted me well, trained me well, and caused life circumstances to grow me into a very capible and compitent man. I need to be wise in the application of these gifts.
Second, I need to be a man who disciples well, so that when I am called to other things, there are those ready to take my space if they havnt aready begun to push me out. Im almost thinking that no ministry should be even started with out having disciples already inplace to begin learning. Jesus practiced this principle. He called the disciples first, then went about his ministry. This also means that instead of fitting disciples into your busy schedule of ministry, the disciples become what ever ministry you choose to do.
Its not overyet. Its amazing how the unimportant has so much ability to clog the arteries of our spiritual heart. Staring at a computer screen has the ability to numb the spirt, entrap the soul, and cause our bodies to fall almost into slumber.
Delt with my first wierd person who had nothing to say to me. Bye, you'll be missed. Then the wierd long awkward pause as the reality began to show that even though I had tried to explain it to them, they missed what I was saying and really just didnt get it. Dont cover it up. Dont stop what you're doing, don't doubt the ministry. Because I've left, do people think that I dont care about what happens as I leave. Dont you think I know theres a whole that no one is prepared to fill. Theres anguish in my heart over this. When I left Student Venture it took five people to take over my position. Is that pride on my part, I hope not. Rather a realization of two things.
First, God has gifted me well, trained me well, and caused life circumstances to grow me into a very capible and compitent man. I need to be wise in the application of these gifts.
Second, I need to be a man who disciples well, so that when I am called to other things, there are those ready to take my space if they havnt aready begun to push me out. Im almost thinking that no ministry should be even started with out having disciples already inplace to begin learning. Jesus practiced this principle. He called the disciples first, then went about his ministry. This also means that instead of fitting disciples into your busy schedule of ministry, the disciples become what ever ministry you choose to do.
Then there was evening and morning. The first day.
Oh the spiritual implications of sleep. I once had someone describe different sorts of people and the different levels and types of tiredness that people needed to hear from God. Now I’m not saying that God cannot communicate whenever he wishes too. I'm just saying that most people, including myself, have a mode in which we operate best. Some people need physical tiredness to communicate with God. These can be your outdoorsy type people who “find God in nature” in the most orthodox interpretation of that phrase. Others need a weariness of the mind to hear well from God. These are your early morning risers who get up at 4 in the morning because that’s when they are less distracted by the on goings of the day. Then there are those who operate on a moderate level of constant fatigue. These people normally are your servant types in the church who can hear from God while serving, whether that’s vacuuming or doing dishes. Then there are the people who need to be totally at the top of their game to really hear from God. Well rested, have already been awake for a while, and have the time to sit and think.
All that to say, that I need sleep to hear from God.
So today I started a new (old?) journey to find out what God has for me (and my pretty girl); where he is leading us and what he is calling us to do. I started what amounts to a sabbatical- time taken to seek God for direction in ministry. I stepped down from any sort of official role in my church, I’ll probably have to give back my keys, clean out my bookshelf and my picture probably wont hang on the wall any more (though I wonder if I can get that picture, its kinda nice). I don’t even know if I’m still invited to the Christmas party next week.
It probably looks sudden to those around me. Its okay. I'm not super ready to have to explain myself to people but I guess I will have to say something. Perhaps that I want to be where God wants me, and I don’t know where that is right now. True, yes. Vague; that too.
The reality is that when I started at the church it was with a certain set of conditions. I knew I would have to work out side of the church to make ends meet. I mean seriously what church can afford (or has the vision) to hire three guys to run one ministry outside of what happens on a Sunday morning. No, I knew going in that I would probably never get paid here. I was to be in charge of the worship gathering of our main group. Leading, teaching and a developing a group of people with a heart to bring people to the presence of God in a real way that would cause them to ascribe worth to Him. I was also to be in charge of writing. What does that mean? Well we didn’t know either except for the fact that I was good at writing, and it seemed that God was using things that I had already written in different people’ lives, so we said yes I should be in charge of writing. Anything else? Well yeah I should share in the teaching responsibilities. Fine and dandy I guess, but really I'm not that great of a public speaker, at least not to large crowds, and not to people who look at you with blank stares and you just sit and wonder, is any of this sinking in? I like interaction. I like to answer questions and have discussions, I like to scratch where people itch, in the sense that I want to talk about what people really are thinking about and give them God’s perspective (does that assume too much on my part, maybe, but its my journal and if you don’t like it, write you own)
So how did I do at those things? Well as I sat to do a “three-sixty” evaluation of myself, my ministry partners, and our ministry, I couldn’t really help but look at what I was doing and evaluate anything other than “fails to meet expectations.” Was it because I was in some blatant sin? No I don’t think so. It was different, other than that. It was that life had changed for me. When we started, I was a single guy, in college, living in a place without running water or heat or a stove that I only paid $100 a month to rent a room. I had a job with flexible hours and I had this strange desire to succeed and help out those around me as much as a could. Some people saw this as passion and faithfulness. Others saw it as foolhardy and youthful exuberance. Nobody really saw it as a continuation of co-dependence on a system that felt very safe to me. “Succeed” I told my self “and somebody will take notice” A servant’s heart is what I was told I had. And my varied experience, my competence at many different things and fierce confidence in my ability to figure things out only allowed me to excel at filling in the gaps for people. All of this meant my cell phone rang a lot. And my desire to be liked and accepted by people meant I rarely said no. And now I'm supposed to be in charge of all this stuff? I did what any highly competent man pleaser would do. I work hard. I stayed up late, I sacrificed friendships, and I sacrificed my school worked. So the “ministry” looked good but the reality was that I was not a healthy guy.
And so in the last six months I have been growing in my realization that my place in the kingdom depends less and less on the things I do, and more and more on who I am. God has created each of us to function with him in different ways. And he’s created us to be healthy.
I am a Son of God. There are boundaries that God has, I think, built in to each one of us. Principled the same but manifested in different ways. They are the boundaries that allow us to live in freedom, but once we over-step those bounds, suddenly there is bondage and not freedom. I, in my commitments, had overstepped these bounds.
And in trying to bring myself back into right accord, I became unable to fulfill those tasks that I had once under taken. But I was trying. We are all called to be administers of the good news of the coming of the messiah. But being a pastor of a group of people is a totally different undertaking. Work, healthy boundaries, and full-time ministry quickly overflowed my schedule. I pulled out of as many “non-essential” peripheral ministries as I could.
I don’t know where I'm going with this right now. Maybe I’ll change this later and call all this history the back-story, so that I can actually write what I'm thinking with out so much explanation.
So things I did today.
Got up early and took Sarah to work- Realized that once we are married, there will be some thing to rising and going to bed on the same schedule whenever possible.
Prayed while I tried to go back to sleep-
Prayers consisted of asking God what he wanted me to do.
Response: It’s about time.
Realize that because of my lack of strength and energy, I was unwilling to seek God in what he wanted from me in the fear that he might want to “add” to my plate
Went and met with some people I work at the church with
Sorta weird. I think I feel way more okay with it than other people did. Felt like they were justifying why they thought it was time for me to step down for a while. Weird conversations about whether I had been supported in all of my change. They felt they had, but really I felt abandoned by them. Anybody who calls my future wife a Jezebel because she would like to see me healthy in my life and fulfilled in my ministry doesn’t rank real high with me on the support list. Mostly I felt condemnation. Mostly I felt confused, like out of one corner of their mouth they said, “Yes be healthy” and out of the other “How come you aren’t doing more.”
Left church but was called and asked what I wanted to celebrate about leaving. Had no answer, because I didn’t think what I was celebrating would go over well.
Hmm
Celebrating freedom from bondage that I had created for myself.
Celebrating the son who realized he wasn’t a slave.
Celebrating the chance to explore relationships with people who I feel actually have my health in mind and not what I can bring to their program
Things like that get left unsaid. I'm sure it will be some mumbo jumbo about me seeking God and what he has for me, True and untrue. I already know what he has to offer me. Health, Abundant life. Sonship. These are all things that I have instinctive, experiential, and scriptural understandings of, both their presence and their absence.
Took a nap. Remember the spiritual significance of sleep. Here it is. I'm tired a lot. Even inside of the boundaries that I have set after discovering them in myself I still push right up to the edge whenever I can. And sleep for me is a powerful tool to seek God. I have dreams, I have visions. Do I talk about them much? No. But if you want to know how Sarah and kinda figured out that we should really look at dating one another, it started with a praying and fasting woman, and a praying and fasting man. And God giving us each dreams as an answer to each other’s prayer. Did we know this? Not at the time. Sarah was in Russia, I was in the States. I prayed that my wife would be revealing herself to me. Sarah has a dream. She then prays and fasts food for me for three days while I’m sleeping that I might have dreams. I dream the same dream 3 nights in a row. Which I finally tell her about on the third day. Sorta felt like Dan’s angle in the bible. The answer had already been sent, but she continued to pray and fast cause she didn’t know it yet. God has given me specific visions. Pictures from people’s lives. Words on their faces. A vision of the story of my life. Some times with phrases that I don’t understand but keep. The first was in the response to a gal I knew. Her life was in shambles but she was totally able to pass off that she was doing great and I believed her. Then a vision came. Took my breath away. No frame of reference for me just bam. And it was all that had happened to her over the past 4 years. And a word “Adultery”. Vision # 1
Vision # 2 a couple of months later I was praying, God I'm just having a hard time trusting, of following when I don’t know where you are leading. And I woke up, this time with a vision of my life, a bunch of snapshot, flipped through at high speed, photos of my life, past present and future with the phrase “Occupy the land”
Vision # 3 today; waking up from my nap. A crowd of people with large letters above them “Father to the fatherless” A description of God? A description of a new emphasis in my life? A description of need in my life? I don’t know. Still working on what it means
Then I went and had some sushi and went Christmas shopping.
So some things to consider and pray for.
Guidance
What my next step is to be
Strength to follow what he says
That I would embrace it when it hurts that I might know what it means to be a son and not a slave
And man does it hurt sometimes. I have the experience today of a huge range of emotions. Uncontrollably sobbing to elation. Sadness that comes at the death of a thing, and yet also the feeling of a lifted burden.
Oh God show me what it means to be your son.
All that to say, that I need sleep to hear from God.
So today I started a new (old?) journey to find out what God has for me (and my pretty girl); where he is leading us and what he is calling us to do. I started what amounts to a sabbatical- time taken to seek God for direction in ministry. I stepped down from any sort of official role in my church, I’ll probably have to give back my keys, clean out my bookshelf and my picture probably wont hang on the wall any more (though I wonder if I can get that picture, its kinda nice). I don’t even know if I’m still invited to the Christmas party next week.
It probably looks sudden to those around me. Its okay. I'm not super ready to have to explain myself to people but I guess I will have to say something. Perhaps that I want to be where God wants me, and I don’t know where that is right now. True, yes. Vague; that too.
The reality is that when I started at the church it was with a certain set of conditions. I knew I would have to work out side of the church to make ends meet. I mean seriously what church can afford (or has the vision) to hire three guys to run one ministry outside of what happens on a Sunday morning. No, I knew going in that I would probably never get paid here. I was to be in charge of the worship gathering of our main group. Leading, teaching and a developing a group of people with a heart to bring people to the presence of God in a real way that would cause them to ascribe worth to Him. I was also to be in charge of writing. What does that mean? Well we didn’t know either except for the fact that I was good at writing, and it seemed that God was using things that I had already written in different people’ lives, so we said yes I should be in charge of writing. Anything else? Well yeah I should share in the teaching responsibilities. Fine and dandy I guess, but really I'm not that great of a public speaker, at least not to large crowds, and not to people who look at you with blank stares and you just sit and wonder, is any of this sinking in? I like interaction. I like to answer questions and have discussions, I like to scratch where people itch, in the sense that I want to talk about what people really are thinking about and give them God’s perspective (does that assume too much on my part, maybe, but its my journal and if you don’t like it, write you own)
So how did I do at those things? Well as I sat to do a “three-sixty” evaluation of myself, my ministry partners, and our ministry, I couldn’t really help but look at what I was doing and evaluate anything other than “fails to meet expectations.” Was it because I was in some blatant sin? No I don’t think so. It was different, other than that. It was that life had changed for me. When we started, I was a single guy, in college, living in a place without running water or heat or a stove that I only paid $100 a month to rent a room. I had a job with flexible hours and I had this strange desire to succeed and help out those around me as much as a could. Some people saw this as passion and faithfulness. Others saw it as foolhardy and youthful exuberance. Nobody really saw it as a continuation of co-dependence on a system that felt very safe to me. “Succeed” I told my self “and somebody will take notice” A servant’s heart is what I was told I had. And my varied experience, my competence at many different things and fierce confidence in my ability to figure things out only allowed me to excel at filling in the gaps for people. All of this meant my cell phone rang a lot. And my desire to be liked and accepted by people meant I rarely said no. And now I'm supposed to be in charge of all this stuff? I did what any highly competent man pleaser would do. I work hard. I stayed up late, I sacrificed friendships, and I sacrificed my school worked. So the “ministry” looked good but the reality was that I was not a healthy guy.
And so in the last six months I have been growing in my realization that my place in the kingdom depends less and less on the things I do, and more and more on who I am. God has created each of us to function with him in different ways. And he’s created us to be healthy.
I am a Son of God. There are boundaries that God has, I think, built in to each one of us. Principled the same but manifested in different ways. They are the boundaries that allow us to live in freedom, but once we over-step those bounds, suddenly there is bondage and not freedom. I, in my commitments, had overstepped these bounds.
And in trying to bring myself back into right accord, I became unable to fulfill those tasks that I had once under taken. But I was trying. We are all called to be administers of the good news of the coming of the messiah. But being a pastor of a group of people is a totally different undertaking. Work, healthy boundaries, and full-time ministry quickly overflowed my schedule. I pulled out of as many “non-essential” peripheral ministries as I could.
I don’t know where I'm going with this right now. Maybe I’ll change this later and call all this history the back-story, so that I can actually write what I'm thinking with out so much explanation.
So things I did today.
Got up early and took Sarah to work- Realized that once we are married, there will be some thing to rising and going to bed on the same schedule whenever possible.
Prayed while I tried to go back to sleep-
Prayers consisted of asking God what he wanted me to do.
Response: It’s about time.
Realize that because of my lack of strength and energy, I was unwilling to seek God in what he wanted from me in the fear that he might want to “add” to my plate
Went and met with some people I work at the church with
Sorta weird. I think I feel way more okay with it than other people did. Felt like they were justifying why they thought it was time for me to step down for a while. Weird conversations about whether I had been supported in all of my change. They felt they had, but really I felt abandoned by them. Anybody who calls my future wife a Jezebel because she would like to see me healthy in my life and fulfilled in my ministry doesn’t rank real high with me on the support list. Mostly I felt condemnation. Mostly I felt confused, like out of one corner of their mouth they said, “Yes be healthy” and out of the other “How come you aren’t doing more.”
Left church but was called and asked what I wanted to celebrate about leaving. Had no answer, because I didn’t think what I was celebrating would go over well.
Hmm
Celebrating freedom from bondage that I had created for myself.
Celebrating the son who realized he wasn’t a slave.
Celebrating the chance to explore relationships with people who I feel actually have my health in mind and not what I can bring to their program
Things like that get left unsaid. I'm sure it will be some mumbo jumbo about me seeking God and what he has for me, True and untrue. I already know what he has to offer me. Health, Abundant life. Sonship. These are all things that I have instinctive, experiential, and scriptural understandings of, both their presence and their absence.
Took a nap. Remember the spiritual significance of sleep. Here it is. I'm tired a lot. Even inside of the boundaries that I have set after discovering them in myself I still push right up to the edge whenever I can. And sleep for me is a powerful tool to seek God. I have dreams, I have visions. Do I talk about them much? No. But if you want to know how Sarah and kinda figured out that we should really look at dating one another, it started with a praying and fasting woman, and a praying and fasting man. And God giving us each dreams as an answer to each other’s prayer. Did we know this? Not at the time. Sarah was in Russia, I was in the States. I prayed that my wife would be revealing herself to me. Sarah has a dream. She then prays and fasts food for me for three days while I’m sleeping that I might have dreams. I dream the same dream 3 nights in a row. Which I finally tell her about on the third day. Sorta felt like Dan’s angle in the bible. The answer had already been sent, but she continued to pray and fast cause she didn’t know it yet. God has given me specific visions. Pictures from people’s lives. Words on their faces. A vision of the story of my life. Some times with phrases that I don’t understand but keep. The first was in the response to a gal I knew. Her life was in shambles but she was totally able to pass off that she was doing great and I believed her. Then a vision came. Took my breath away. No frame of reference for me just bam. And it was all that had happened to her over the past 4 years. And a word “Adultery”. Vision # 1
Vision # 2 a couple of months later I was praying, God I'm just having a hard time trusting, of following when I don’t know where you are leading. And I woke up, this time with a vision of my life, a bunch of snapshot, flipped through at high speed, photos of my life, past present and future with the phrase “Occupy the land”
Vision # 3 today; waking up from my nap. A crowd of people with large letters above them “Father to the fatherless” A description of God? A description of a new emphasis in my life? A description of need in my life? I don’t know. Still working on what it means
Then I went and had some sushi and went Christmas shopping.
So some things to consider and pray for.
Guidance
What my next step is to be
Strength to follow what he says
That I would embrace it when it hurts that I might know what it means to be a son and not a slave
And man does it hurt sometimes. I have the experience today of a huge range of emotions. Uncontrollably sobbing to elation. Sadness that comes at the death of a thing, and yet also the feeling of a lifted burden.
Oh God show me what it means to be your son.
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